8 Thanksgiving Blunders

Nervous about bringing him home? These 8 dinner disasters will give you reason to be thankful.

By Laura J. Schaefer

he holidays are a time of family togetherness and good cheer... in movies. In real-life, they are probably the first time you will be bringing home your new guy and silently praying for a smooth dinner. Don’t worry, however, if hijinks ensue. Your holiday can’t be any worse than the following
Everything would have been fine if he had turned his cell phone off.
hilarious Thanksgiving debacles:

1. Please pass the pectorals
“In the middle of dinner, my new guy told everyone that he was a bodybuilder (as if they couldn’t tell from his too-tight t-shirt). When no one looked suitably impressed, he took off his shirt and flexed for them. I wanted to die.”

2. Don’t forget to hang up your coat... and your phone
“I hadn’t known my new guy for very long when the holidays came around. Since his family lived in a different state, he came home with me. Everything would have been fine if he had turned his cell phone off. Instead, he took four calls in the middle of our Thanksgiving meal. My dad wanted to strangle him.”

3. Perhaps the “secret family recipe” should remain secret
“In the middle of dinner, my mom and grandma started discussing a recipe for burgoo, which no one who lives anywhere near an urban area would know about. Unfortunately, my date realized that they were talking about squirrel meat just as he had taken a large bite of what he thought was turkey stuffing. The spit-take that resulted sent his half-chewed food (which did not contain squirrel) all the way across the table.”

4. A dash of pepper and a dash for the door
“My dad is famous for his cooking disasters. So, no one was too surprised when his turkey sent flames shooting out of the oven along with a billow of smoke. No one, that is, except my date, who — in full-on George Costanza mode — yelled ‘Fire!’ and pushed past my bemused relatives for the door.”

5. Splitting the wishbone would be a safer superstition
“My date wanted to entertain my family with a trendy new skill he had picked up. Unfortunately, his idea of a good time meant reading the tarot for my
Thank goodness my grandma is a little hard of hearing.
relatives. When he pulled out the death card for my grandma, she started crying. We had to leave in a hurry.”

6. Stick with pilgrims for the next history lesson
“My family is very traditional, so I was nervous about bringing my new boyfriend home from college for Thanksgiving. The talk at dinner turned to a famous statue of Abe Lincoln that was located at the center of our campus. My date related the legend of how old Abe stood up when a virgin walked by. My family looked uncomfortable until my aunt said brightly, ‘He must stand up everyday for Susie!’ It would have been fine if my date hadn’t snorted and started laughing... until I kicked him.”

7. Sometimes you can be too thankful
“My new boyfriend was quite appreciative of my ‘well-endowed’ figure. Unfortunately, he came home with me for Thanksgiving. Upon meeting my mother and grandmother, he looked directly at my chest and said, ‘I guess they really are real.’ Thank goodness my grandma is a little hard of hearing.”

8. A glass of wine with dinner is good for the heart — or was that four?
“My date made an innocent mistake: He confessed to being in medical school. Thanksgiving dinner talk turned into a litany of health issues, described in graphic detail by my aging relatives. Everyone loves free medical advice. Too bad all of his wisdom was colored by three or four glasses of wine. I think my great aunt might actually try to cure her arthritis with Vitamin C.”

Laura Schaefer is the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor: The Best and Worst Personal Ads of All Time.
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