The Art Of Lesbian Flirting

Ready to meet a new girlfriend but too freaked out to make a move? An expert shares her tips.

By Jen Sincero

irls are taught not to draw attention to themselves, to put others first and to make sure everyone is as comfy as possible. Those are great qualities for, say, a nurse, but when you’re trying to score with a lady, it can prevent you (and her) from making a move out of fear of seeming “rude.” Add that to questions like, “Am I sure she’s gay?” and “Who’s that chick she’s with?” and you’ve got a
I send in a wing woman to go chat them up and get the scoop.
challenge for even the most shameless of flirts. Luckily, there are some tried-and-true tricks to overcoming three common pick-up roadblocks. As an author and leader of bicurious workshops, I am happy to share them right here:

Flirtus Interruptus #1:
“But what if that girl she’s standing so close to is her girlfriend?”

Why You Shouldn’t Be Scared Off: Women tend to hang all over each other like baby monkeys, whether they’re lovers or just friends.

How To Make Your Move: Steal a page from the guy playbook and send in a pal to create a diversion. It’ll be easy for your friend to make casual conversation with your target because she’s not invested in the outcome. “I’m really shy, so when I see a hottie who’s with someone, I send in a wing woman to go chat them up and get the scoop,” says Jill from New York City. Once your friend’s made contact, you’ll know whether the girl you’re checking out is available—and you’ll have an automatic conversation “in” when you go over to join your friend. Score!

Flirt Fact: Rejecting yourself (i.e., thinking you’re not worthy to try to flirt with someone) is far worse than being rejected by some cutie you don’t even know.

Flirtus Interruptus #2:
“I notice girls checking me out all the time, but they never come over to say hi. What gives?”

Why You Shouldn’t Be Scared Off: Girls aren’t raised with the same sense of bravado and entitlement that boys are, and although it’s subtle (and surmountable!), that sense of waiting-to-be-invited affects everything from getting a job to asking someone to dance.

How To Make Your Move: Help a sister out by sending her a sign that you’re open for business. It doesn’t have to be made of neon, but a smile or teensy wave will make it clear that the door is wide open. “You actually don’t have to do anything except move your eyeballs,” says Hannah from
It’s like any other physical leap of faith…
Albuquerque, who thinks that women who aren’t getting chatted up just aren’t trying hard enough. “So few people look each other in the eyes in our culture that when you do — and add a smile — it’s a big deal.” You’re guaranteeing her that she won’t be rejected, and she’s probably as scared of that possibility as you are. Let your guard down, and your crush is likely to follow suit.

Flirt Fact: First impressions are 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and 7% what you actually say, so don’t make yourself crazy trying to think of a brilliant first line when she approaches. Just say “Hi!”

Flirtus Interruptus #3:
“I’m fine when it comes to talking, it’s moving in for the kiss that scares the hell out of me.”

Why You Shouldn’t Be Scared Off: If you’re used to thinking, Thou shalt be a lady, thou shalt not be aggressive… enough already!

How To Make Your Move: Just do it—any time you overthink something, you’ll psych yourself out. “It’s like any other physical leap of faith, from jumping out of an airplane to diving into cold water,” says Lauren, a sports enthusiast from Denver. If you’re with a girl and thinking it might be time to make a move, chances are good that she wants you to. After all, one benefit to being a girl who’s so in touch with making sure everyone is happy is that you’d definitely know if she wasn’t into you. So shut your brain off and go for it!

Flirt Fact: This is supposed to be fun—don’t take everything so dang seriously.

Jen Sincero ( teaches Bicurious Workshops on overcoming lesbian dating fears. She is the author of The Straight Girl’s Guide To Sleeping With Chicks and the novel Don’t Sleep With Your Drummer, and writes a sex advice column for
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